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Bert felt jealous, cheated on, and blue. Then he discovered he could morph into a giant nightmarish slug... Would you like a FREE copy? On Wednesdays and Sundays I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ novellas. You can check in regularly and read them bit for bit, or leave a message in my 'contact' page, and I'll send the entire digital story to you for free when published. Life in the Clouds #6: Take a Slug ® James Field. |
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Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 21 The moon was about to set: the night had grown dark, and all good folks were in bed. If Dick Charmer were to put his plan into action, he'd need to hurry. No one must see him. The morning was fast approaching and time was growing short. Big fat Bert lay snoring like an overstuffed pig on the scaffolding above Olive’s front door. He'll get the biggest shock of his life when he wakes, thought Dick Charmer, and gazed into the distance in all directions. Nobody was about, so he crept back down the ladder and scurried from the terrace houses along a rutted road. After a few hundred yards, he swung onto a bridle path and quickened his pace. He recalled seeing an army of scarecrows in a field over towards the Cloud Estate. The estate’s gardener, Lance, had placed them to keep the birds away from whatever tripe he grew there: peas, blueberries, or maybe cannabis for all he cared. Some scarecrows were mind-boggling lifelike. Lance had dressed the best one in cast-off overalls, wellies and gardener’s gloves. He’d pulled a beanie down over the head, and a spooky Halloween mask covered the face. Dick Charmer didn’t know how the crows felt about it, but if a person came across it unawares, their blood would curdle. Lance won’t mind if I borrow it, he thought. He checked he was still alone in the night and passed a nervous hand through his hair. Soon, the cockerels would screech and early rising farm workers would start their chores of milking the cows and feeding the animals. He couldn't delay. Time to seize it and run. To be continued… The real world: Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts. Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth. 
Image by Vien Hoang from Pixabay
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Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 20 A knot swelled in Dick Charmer's belly. He just couldn't guess why Bert slept above Olive's front door, and somehow, it seemed sinister. One reason after the other ran through his mind, but nothing made sense. He sighed and climbed back down the scaffolding ladder. Then his eyes popped open in disbelief. Was that a noose he could see, hanging head height in front of Olive's door? It was difficult to see the crinkly wire in the shaded moonlight, but he was young and his eyesight was sharp. To make certain his peepers hadn’t deceived him, he reached out to touch it. There could be no mistake; it felt cold and thin and had a loose hangman’s knot twisted to form a loop. A new thought came to Dick Charmer. In the weeks he’d worked at The Stables, he’d learnt that Olive and Bert planned to marry. From the way Olive had behaved at the disco, slobbering all over him like a frustrated spinster, it wouldn't surprise him if Bert were insanely jealous. But so jealous that he wanted to murder her? That took some believing. The evening’s events replayed in his mind. Olive had tried to seduce him on the disco’s dance floor. If she’d been fifteen years younger, she might have tempted him; but the evening was about business, not pleasure. So he’d frolicked with her long enough to slip an impressive engagement ring from her finger and then moved on to the next chick. Dick Charmer whistled softly as the puzzle cleared. Somehow, Olive had enchanted Bert and it was doubtful he wanted to harm her. More likely, Bert had expected them to saunter home arm-in-arm and planned to kill him. Rather than fill him with shock or terror, Dick Charmer grinned. The big dummy had acted on blind animal instinct, which just went to prove he had more beef than brain. Still, lynching somebody was a serious business and Bert needed a severe reprimand. One he wouldn't forget in a hurry. Oh, yes, he'd soon learn not to mess with a smart guy like him. Careful not to wake Bert, Dick Charmer climbed up the ladder again and dangled Chief Inspector Dobbs identity card around Bert’s head; his skilful fingers were as deft planting loot as lifting it. Let him explain that when he wakes. And because that was just one surprise he had in store for Bert, he had to clamp his hands over his mouth to stop himself from exploding in laughter. To be continued… The real world: Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts. Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth. - 
Image by Susana Gonzalez from Pixabay
Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 19 Dick Charmer strolled home from the Ye Olde Inn’s discotheque and gave himself a mental pat on the back. He’d slow danced with almost every lovesick girl, stolen their jewellery, and then slipped out after making an excuse that he needed the toilet. The night was warm, the moon bright, and costly trinkets jingled in his pockets. The pickings from the rich families’ daughters had been bountiful. He’d even pinched Chief Inspector Dobbs’s identification card as a bonus trophy. His ears still rang from the disco’s loud music, but as he approached the row of terrace houses, he swore he could hear a pig grunting somewhere. He stopped to listen. Strange, it came from the scaffolding that surrounded the houses where he lived and worked. He’d heard about pigs with wings and wondered how else it could’ve found its way up there. One slow step at a time, he crept up the scaffolding ladder far enough to peek over the edge. And there it was, bathed in moonlight, grunting and snorting, the biggest pig he'd ever seen. Dick Charmer rubbed his eyes and climbed another rung. Slowly, it dawned on him that it wasn’t a pig, but Bert, the ugly brute who lived in the house at the terrace's other end. He thought the giant must have found it too warm indoors and decided to sleep out. But he was fully clothed and had no pillow or other bedtime things. Also, why sleep above Olive's door and not his own? Furrowing his eyebrows, Dick Charmer studied Bert closer. Why he was lying there, flat out on his back with his mouth wide open, was a disturbing riddle. Whatever the reason, Dick Charmer felt his insides twist. He rubbed an eyebrow and swallowed. Did Bert suspect he'd stolen his Rolex and planned to take the law into his own hands? No, it couldn't be, Bert was too stupid and it didn't explain why he snored above Olive's front door. But why then? To be continued… The real world: Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts. Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth. 
Image by Digital Photo and Design DigiPD.com from Pixabay
In the last post: Bert had given up. His love was lost. All he could do was hang himself...17/6/2020
Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 18
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Bert closed his eyes and sighed. Perhaps suicide was too drastic and he ought to consider Alf's idea for a Plan B. The only problem with Plan B was the time and effort it would take.
He’d need to climb down from the scaffolding, find a saw, climb up again, saw through the rungs, climb down to find some grease and mud, climb up again, and then smear dirt over the cuts to hide them. He didn’t know how much time he had before Dick Charmer came home, and he didn’t want to be caught in the act. Best to wait until after he’s sneaked into Olive’s house. Yes, there was no hurry with Plan B; he could take all the time he needed. Dick Charmer wouldn't be climbing the ladders until morning. So he stretched out on the scaffolding, put his hands behind his head, and felt sure he'd made the only sensible decision. Wondering what the time was, he glanced at his wrist and cursed when he remembered his watch was missing. Everything had gone wrong since Dick Charmer had come to The Stables. He'd lost his fiancé, and he'd lost his Rolex. Blood as thick and black as treacle ran through Bert's veins. Sod Plan B, he thought. I’ll hang him anyway. Once again he arranged the wire noose through the gap in the scaffolding floor and took a resolute grip on his end. Just like fishing, but this time the catch will be a whopper. Any moment now. Come on lad, your days of ruining lovers’ affairs is over. But still Dick Charmer didn’t come, and with thoughts of torture and murder on his mind, Bert dropped off to sleep. To be continued… 
Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
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The real world:
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Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts.
Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth. In the last post: Alf must get rid of his fiance's fancy-man. But will his deadly plan work?13/6/2020
Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 17
In the early hours of the warm summer night, Bert's all consuming jealousy held him awake. He didn’t have long to wait before he heard footsteps. With shaking fingers he adjusted the noose in his wire and passed it through a wide gap in the scaffolding’s floorboards.
A waft of his fiancé's perfume reached his nose and stung his eyes, and a violent sneeze threatened to give him away. He took a deep breath, held it, and concentrated on dropping the wire loop around her lover's neck. Olive unlocked the door to her house, and Bert positioned his noose, ready to snare Dick Charmer. But the door slammed shut behind her and Bert blinked this way and that: her fancy-man wasn't with her. It dawned on him then that he'd follow later, giving Olive time to repair her face and slip into something sexy. This was a severe obstacle to his genius plan: it wouldn't work now. Feeling cheated, he let the sneeze explode, and for good measure, he farted too. With his scheme foiled, he leaned back on his hands and tilted his head from side to side, trying to think of a Plan B. He wished his best mate Alf was with him because he was full of gumption and would know what to do. He would probably tell him to cut most of the way through the top rungs of the scaffolding's ladders. That way, when Dick Charmer climbed them in the morning, they would shatter under his weight and he would fall and break his neck. But Alf wasn’t there to give advice. Alf was on security duty over on the Cloud Estate. It was a stupid plan, anyway, and he'd tell him so when he saw him next. Dick Charmer needed to meet his end before his night of passion, not after. Then Bert rolled onto his back, let his head slump, and gazed at the mocking stars. The vastness gave him the sense that time had stopped, as if his internal main spring had snapped. His chin quivered, his chest hitched, and tears collected in the corners of his eyes. There was only one other solution to relieve his tortured heart, and that was to hang himself. To be continued… 
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
The real world:
Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts.
Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth.
Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 16Bert paid no notice to the night’s balmy warmth or the full moon’s soft glow. He charged like an enraged bull from the disco and back to his terrace house. It was an evening created for lovers, and his fiancé, Olive, was in the arms of Dick Charmer. The twinkling stars teased him: a young and dashing playboy mesmerises her. What are you going to do about it? He knew what he would do. Eyes wild, heart thundering, he made a hurried detour to a nearby barn and found a piece of soft, galvanised, hay-binding wire. Then he rushed home; ready now to set his genius plan in motion. Scaffold surrounded the terraced group of three houses. His house was at one end, Olive’s was in the middle, and Dick Charmer hired the house next to hers at the other end. With more agility than his bulk might suggest, he climbed onto the scaffolding, laid on his belly on the broad planks above Olive's front door, and waited. Bert ran the strategy through his mind once more; there must be no mistakes. When Olive and Dick Charmer came back from the disco, hugging and kissing, he’d drop a hangman's noose over Dick Charmer’s head and hang him by his scrawny neck. Then, while he was dangling in the trap, and Olive was screaming, he’d climb over the roof, down the scaffolding on the other side, run through his house, and out the front door. There he’d rescue Dick Charmer, a second too late to save his life, and pretend he didn’t know who did it. The police would never guess it was he. To be continued… 
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
The real world:Rather than miss an instalment, it’s easy to follow my blog on bloglovin’. They’ll give you a friendly nudge as I release new parts. Like to know more about Alf, Bert and the rest of the gang? You can read their chaotic history in What on Earth. |
James Field
Talvik, Norway You can also Find me on 
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 The Thursday Murder Club by Richard OsmanMy rating: 2 of 5 stars There’s a lot to like and a lot to dislike in this story. I like that it’s cosy, funny, and heart-warming. The plot, however, is a tragedy. There are two murders, and every character in the book, of which there are many, has a motif. With so many twists, turns, and red herrings throughout the narrative, it lost me in a virtual maze. But the author commits the gravest crime: he introduces a new, guilty character right at the end of the story. Tut, tut, naughty. View all my reviews Archives
August 2022
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