Bert felt jealous, cheated on, and blue. Then he discovered he could morph into a giant nightmarish slug...
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Life in the Clouds #6: Take a Slug ® James Field.
Dear friends, if you like a good chuckle, dim-witted heroes, and larger-than-life villains, then you'll love this fascinating series. On Wednesdays and Sundays, I’m blogging nibble-sized chunks of new ‘Life in the Clouds’ stories. You can check in regularly and read them for free, or wait to buy the entire story when published.
#2: Enchanter on the Roof ® James Field. Part 45
In the last post: Bert recouped his Rolex and engagement ring, but he wasn't stopping there…
Before Dick Charmer could protest, Bert snatched the pouch of stolen jewellery and shoved the unsuspecting man back against the tree trunk. “I’m in a hurry, so I’ll take the lot.”
“But you can’t,” groaned Dick Charmer. “I worked hard to get those.”
Bert dropped his hand on Dick Charmer’s shoulder, making it sag under the weight. “Sorry about that, but like what I told you before, I used to be a thief too.”
He didn't miss those days. Stealing other people's possessions had always left him feeling guilty. At first, he'd plundered cash from his mum's purse and his dad's wallet. But they were poor, and when he found his dear old mother crying one day, empty purse in hand, he stole from other people and made regular secret donations to their funds.
They weren't as bright as him, and apart from scratching their heads now and then, never suspected where the heaven-sent money had come from.
He'd hated school, and from the age of thirteen had played truant almost every day. He sneaked rides on buses and trains, stole comics and nosh from shops, and looted unlocked garages and garden sheds.
During one of his terms in prison, he made friends with Alf, and together they formed a partnership, working at a successful career of mugging. Even then, Bert had insisted they left women and children alone.
The crook in front of him now, Dick Charmer, concentrated on stealing from women and children, and Bert despised him for it. He lifted the gold chain and locket that Dick Charmer had planted on his neck, and dropped it over Dick Charmer’s.
“You can have it back. And like what you told me, Dobby the Bobby won't chase me when you tell him where it came from." He tugged on his bottom lip. Is that really what he'd told him? He shrugged. "Better hurry off before the police catch you with it.”
“You’re a thief,” screeched Dick Charmer.
“Yeah. Ain’t lost me knack, have I?”
Dick Charmer slammed his fists into the tree trunk behind his back and then scrubbed his face with his hands. “Can I go now?”
“Yeah, you better run. No hard feelings.” Bert held his hand out for a shake. “Honour among thieves and all that crap.”
With an impatient snort, Dick Charmer took Bert’s hand. His flimsy little fingers disappeared inside Bert’s massive mitt, thumb and all. Then Bert squeezed and the muscles in his forearms bunched into knots.
Trapped in the vice-like grip, Dick Charmer sunk to his knees: teeth clenched, eyes crossed, and a gurgle in his throat.
To be continued…
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The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
There’s a lot to like and a lot to dislike in this story. I like that it’s cosy, funny, and heart-warming. The plot, however, is a tragedy. There are two murders, and every character in the book, of which there are many, has a motif. With so many twists, turns, and red herrings throughout the narrative, it lost me in a virtual maze.
But the author commits the gravest crime: he introduces a new, guilty character right at the end of the story. Tut, tut, naughty.
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